Talking Openly About Suicide: FREE ONLINE Sat. 8/11/18

IPS Practice Series

Intentional Peer Support Practice Series  

Weekly on Saturdays 5-6:30 EDT 

• Join by computer: https://zoom.us/j/119362879

• Join by phone: +1 669 900 6833 or +1 646 558 8656 (Meeting ID: 119 362 879)

• International callers: https://zoom.us/u/jkwt3wHh

Study Guide for Talking Openly About Suicide

(Saturday 8/11/2018 from 5-6:30 EDT)

Note on the study guide: 

The following study guide has been personalized and adapted with permission from Intentional Peer Support: An Alternative Approach by Shery Mead.  To purchase the full manual (book, kindle, audiobook), see http://www.intentionalpeersupport.org/store/.  To learn more about Intentional Peer Support and available trainings, see http://www.intentionalpeersupport.org/

The kind of peer support we are learning about in this series assumes that all of us - helpers, helpees, family, friends, community members, professionals as well as those of us with identified social concerns like suicide - have things to share and things to learn.  It assumes that risk is a part of living and that we all take risks as well as create them -- both for ourselves and for others.  It assumes we all have power -- as well as a mixed record when it comes to the choice of taking power for ourselves, giving it up to someone else, or negotiating and sharing it with others.

Consequently, one of the most important things we can learn to do with each other is put our cards on the table and talk honestly about our needs and concerns.  A huge challenge for me in doing this is  when I think your needs, views or reality conflicts with mine.  This creates (in my mind) a zero sum game where one of us is going to win and get our needs met and the other is going to lose and go wanting.  (Stressssssfulllllllll!!!!)

So what to do....?

Enter See-Feel-Need.

See-Feel-Need

See-feel-need is a variation on nonviolent communication that's been adapted to the mental health context.  The reason for the adaptation is that, in mental health situations, it's fairly common that we're both not in the same reality.  Often, I'm seeing, hearing, believing, feeling or sensing something that you don't.

For example, with regard to suicide I might experience impending doom, see myself as totally worthless, believe that others have decided to intentionally target and torture me, know that my life is over and that nothing I do will ever make a difference.  You might see me as a bright, capable 30 something who hit a streak of bad luck and is taking the ordinary hard knocks of life a bit too personally.  If your experience around this is anything like mine, we can argue about our different viewpoints forever,  get nowhere and end up with both of us in more pain than we started despite our best efforts and deep longing for connection.

See-feel-need is a way for me to voice my own reality without defining yours or taking away your power.  The process is fairly straightforward:

Say what I see 

This is simply owning up to the thoughts going on in my head about a situation.  It includes my beliefs about what is happening between us.  It also includes anything concrete that I've observed (read, seen, heard, felt, touched, smelled, tasted, etc.) that I'm focusing on to support my thinking.

My beliefs and observations may ring true for you too, or they may not.  The point is that they are real for me, and they impact how I'm experiencing our relationship.  So I own them as my thoughts.

Then I take the risk of saying something like this:

I'm having a really hard time with they way I'm experiencing the energy between you and me.  The story I'm telling myself is that you think I'm going to kill myself so you're watching me like a hawk.

😕😟

Say what I feel

Here is where I own up to the effect that my way of seeing is having on me.

I'm finding myself shutting down and hiding from you.  I'm also spending all kinds of time in my head telling you off and arguing with you about why I think you should act differently.  This isn't how I want to be.  It's bothering me a lot.

😐😐

Say what I need

Here is where I say what I'd like to be different.

 I'd like to get out of my head.  I'd like to see you as an ally and on my side.  I'd like to be able to believe that you trust and respect me.  Or at least I'd like to figure out how we can relate in a way that feels more equal.   

Does any of this make any sense to you? Do you have some time to talk about it?  Would you be willing to tell me how you see things? Do you see it the same as I do or differently...?

😏😏

IMPORTANT NOTE 

Did you notice that I left you and your reality out of what I said to you?

• I stuck with my own reality and my own needs.   
• I said only what I was seeing, feeling and needing.  
• I owned my beliefs as my own and didn't assume that you believe the same things I do.
• I didn't assume that my observations, feelings or needs hold true for you too. 
• I didn't assert that my observations, feelings, beliefs or needs mean that you are doing something wrong or that there is anything you have to change.  
• I simply shared with you:
• what I was observing and experiencing as a result of us being together;
• the conclusions I was drawing as a result of what I was experiencing; and
• how this was leading me to want to respond to you as a human being.
• Then I asked you about you:
• if what I was saying made sense to you; 
• what you were experiencing;
• how what you were experiencing was similar or different from what I was experiencing.

These are the kinds of conversations that allow both people to take risks and grow. These are the kinds of conversations that can lead to fundamentally different ways of thinking about help.

Practice Exercise

Practice having a see-feel-need conversation.  Two people can role play a conversation or everyone can take turns jumping in with new lines.  Notice the responses that make you feel more or less safe. Discuss this as a group at the end.     

Building the airplane while you're flying it

Ideally, we would know each other and have some time under our belt before either of us ends up in crisis.  That allows us to iron out at least some of these practices in advance.  That's usually a good thing because it can be a heck of a lot easier to practice your first see-feel-need conversation over the groceries instead of in dire matters of life and death.  But sometimes that's a luxury that just isn't afforded us.  Or suddenly, we find ourselves in the thick of it anyway.  During these times we’ll need to negotiate on the fly.  A couple of the skills here include:

• Talking honestly: What does it feel like for each of us? Are we scared, frustrated, confused, angry, etc? 
• Self-reflection:  Where is my reaction coming from?  Life and death danger? Break with routine protocol? Difference of opinion?  Unfamiliar territory?  Added workload? Not my preferred was of operating?  Past experiences?  Gut feeling...? 
• Relational WRAP:  Helpful hint.  Create a relational ‘crisis’ plan ahead of time.  This is essentially something along the lines of a Wellness Recovery Action Plan that two or more of us can create together for our relationship.  Once we have one, we can refer back to it in difficult times and just follow what we agreed to until we are out of hot water and have some space to think things through.

Debriefing After the Fact

After we’ve come through a difficult situation and we’re on the other side, practicing open honest communication is still important. We both probably have some feelings about what happened.  We maybe even created a little mistrust and now need to re-establish what’s going to work for both of us.

Some suggestions for doing this when either of us has been struggling with wanting to die include:

• Talk about how it felt for both of us and what’s happened with our feelings since.
• Figure out what’s going to help both of us regain trust.
• Examine our own reactivity to these kinds of situations, and then mutually negotiate a new response.
• Each of us own our own hot buttons (triggers, sore spots, pet peeves) and plan for how we’ll deal with them differently next time.
• Explore (re-explore) what risk and safety mean to each of us and how we will share responsibility for addressing these needs in ways that work for all concerned.
• Revisit / create a relational WRAP…

Summing up

1. Have you noticed some ways that this kind of peer support different from other kinds of ‘help’ you might be familiar with?
2. What differences do you see?   

PAST TOPICS

Sat. 6/30/18:  Suicide and 'Safety'

• Is 'safety' about legalities or relationships?  
• Do risk assessments and safety contracts make us less likely to attempt suicide - or can they actually backfire and increase the risk...?
• What can we do instead...?

Sat. 7/7/18:  Supporting others who want to die

• How do our own needs affect how we support others?
• What assumptions might we make about supporting others based on our own needs or experience?
• What are the gifts and limitations of such assumptions?

Sat. 7/14/18:  Practicing relational safety

• What makes a relationship feel safe (trusting/ trustworthy) to me?
• What kinds of things seem to come up that can get in the way of for me (stuck points, patterns, bad luck streak, etc.)?
• How have I tried to cope or manage that?
• What (if anything) would I like to hold myself accountable try differently for next time?
• What (if anything) have I been able to do to make a relationship better rather than worse when things started taking a turn for the worse...?

Sat. 7/21/18:  Suicide and Power

1. What is the relationship between suicide and power?
2. How, if at all, does power (having it, not having it, losing it, feeling used, abused, put down or ignored by others who have it) affect my feelings about living or my will to live?  
3. How is power different depending on whether I am a 'helper' or a 'helpee'?
4. Is power different when I 'feel suicidal' compared to when I don't?
5. What implications might that have for our relationship if one of us starts talking about wanting to die...?

Sat. 7/28/18:  Suicide and Responsible Relationships

1. Think about mainstream mental health relationships (therapy, psychiatry, case management, formal or informal caregivers): 
• Who defines 'risk'/ 'safety'? 
• Who or what is considered 'risky'/ 'safe'? 
• Who decides what risks are acceptable?  Required?  For whom?  
2. What happens in a relationship when you feel like someone is always assessing your safety?
3. What assumptions do you make about who holds the power or control?